things to say.

i don't sleep anymore. And I've come to the conclusion that it either has to do with the mess inside my head, or the fact that i have to sit still for the "prescribed" eight hours. which i can't so i stay up, 'till about 4 a.m. On any terms, its a bad thing. A very bad thing. Because it only causes me to create more havoc in my silly little brain. I guess while I'm still up, I have some things to say.

My grandpa passed away extremely unexpectedly last thursday. I was in the Kitchen when the phone rang. Before my mom even picked it up, i knew something was different; changed forever. I didn't expect it to hit me the way that it did. But I've been a mess for days. Maybe its because I'm already emotionally fragile right now or maybe its just the plain fact that this person was someone I loved and cared about that caused me to break down just the way I did. The funeral was today. It was beautiful and gave us all the time to say goodbye. Its amazing to me how comforting the gospel can be in times of sorrow and loss. I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and eternal families. I love my Hapa, and will miss him dearly.

Special thanks to grandpa, I got to miss my first day of school today. Which is actually something i couldn't be more thankful for. I'm not ready yet. Or maybe, I'm so beyond ready that i can't even stand the idea of having to go to high school another day. But regardless of what i want, i have to go back tomorrow. To begin my senior year. This time alone. My very best friends graduated and have all started moving on to their own wide open spaces. I couldn't be more excited for them right now. But i've also never felt so alone in this way before. I feel like a sophomore again. so tired of this. so so tired of it.

I'm a wallflower, have been my entire life. However, I've somehow convinced myself that I'm a generally friendly person when put in a social situation. I create the pointless small talk and proceed to continue my high school experience with a semi-fake smile placed nicely upon my face while on the inside, that's the last thing i'd like to be doing. My dear friends, This is not the case. when placed in that "social situation" I'm awkward. I don't create nice conversations when the topics are dry. Because when attempted, I realize a day later that I'd talked about harry potter for twenty minutes while everyone else stared at the ground, or the ceiling, or anywhere but my face. Because they're feeling awkward for me. (yes, this happened. last week. my date never called me back..) I'm a wallflower Because standing out is not what I'm good at. I'm not good at being outgoing, and social and bubbly when i need to. I'm not good at making friends, or keeping any around for that matter. In all honesty I'm still a flower, I'm just one of those one's that prefers to grow nicely on the wall away from all the big ones. Someday the wallflowers will get their turn right? i sure do hope so.

Cailie and i wrote a song for all the Creepy Pervs in Orem.
I don't want her to move. Every time i think about it i cry. because she's the one that knows my soul in and out and all the places in between. and i don't want to imagine life without her here with me.

aubree gets married a week from thursday. My contacts are so fuzzy with silly little tears i can't see the computer screen. I can't believe how much our lives are changing. I'm going to miss my life-long room mate.

I miss my best friends.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I'm terrified of being alone again.
My cat just barfed on the floor.
super.

one final thing.

Brittany,
You are alway so sweet. I promise I'm not the debbie downer my blog portrays me as. This is just the dumping ground for my hard days, but I promise I'm actually quite funny when I want to be. Lets hang out. Because I need some friends. More than you even know. Also, thanks for being one out of less than a handful of people who care at least an inch about what i have to say about just life in general. it means the world.

Untitled

It's a Saturday night.
Late August.
Beyond ideal weather.
And I'm sitting alone
at home.
Again.
Not that it's a problem.
But, seriously..


I really wish you'd call.

i am new. i am old.

I've been thinking a lot about growth today. the kind that happens on the inside while on the outside you're distracted by today and tomorrow and what happened yesterday. the kind that hits you like a ton of bricks when you're looking in the mirror getting ready one morning and something reminds you of a situation you once found yourself in. Its almost like time travel in a way. One of those, out of body experiences. Its always been funny to me that something as simple as a sound or a smell can carry you away and captivate you for an instance, remembering something thats one of the tiny puzzle pieces of your very soul.
I've done a lot of that growth in the last year. Its funny to me that life can change so much, so quickly. I'm not the same nolle i was at the end of last summer. I'm so much more. I've added on a whole year to my life, and its got to count for something. I've been more places, seen more things and lived and loved more than I ever have before. Someone please try to convince me how could i be the same, because I'm not. I still have all those pieces of who i used to be. but i've gathered so many more. the pictures completely different now. in fact, it changes every day. with every breath i take. I'm new. I'm old. I'm all the lovely things in between. I'm a forever changing always growing masterpiece. I don't know what the picture is yet but i like the way its unfolding before my eyes.
sometimes i wish i could stand like one of those european tour-guides with my little hand reaching as if to point and say, "See those dark spots there, happened when I got knocked down and struggled to pick myself back up. And see that golden spot that shines like the moon? That happened when i was least expecting it to, but its the most beautiful part of the picture. And here, all this stuff in the middle thats not dark grey, nor the brightest of the golds; it holds the good and the bad together and compliments them both making the picture balanced. This is the picture of my life so far." Then all those people who think they know me, and my story, and who i am, they'd finally see the whole picture. Not just the pieces of nolle from today. But the whole picture. The old. And the new. and the lovely in between.

the bitter and the sweet.

I once knew a boy that listened very well or so I'd like to believe. Which is an extreme feat, considering the amount of talking i do. It must have been within the first few weeks of knowing "said-boy" that I expressed my deep love for handwritten letters. He smiled and I continued my rambling not thinking another thought of my fantasy of receiving a "love letter" in the mail. A few months later, I believe that day of the week was a Saturday, I opened my mail box and inside was an envelope addressed to yes, yours truly. This was not the classic "Love Letter" as i'd envisioned nearly all my life, but it was a letter that was written with love, and that was all that mattered. For one reason or another, this letter, out of every letter I've ever received, has been my favorite. The words were Sweet, and made me laugh. After reading it, i read it again. and again. and probably at least a hundred more times before I ever even set it down.
A significant amount of time has past since I tore open that sealed envelope. And due to a course of events that turned our lives in different directions, "said-boy" is no longer a part of the picture. However, I still have that letter folded neatly inside its envelope and i smile every time I see it. It lives in my forest green bag along with a few other treasures. My best friend, while digging through my bag searching for a piece of gum or a ball-point pen, has come across the letter several times. Every time she sees it she makes a funny face, and usually say's something along the lines of "why do you still have this?" I haven't really even known the answer myself until now.
Things didn't go as planed with the author of that little treasure. I never got another letter. and believe me, that was absolutely crushing after receiving the first one. There was a time when i thought I'd never be grateful for having to part way's and move on from that part of my life. Due to events i was hurt and not willing to look upon that "struggle" as a blessing. That letter got shoved in the bag to be ripped up and thrown in the air somewhere because i didn't know how to express the hurt inside any other way and because that seemed to be the only solution to my heart that was hurting at the time.
After a some time, and definite mending, I don't feel sad when I see that letter, which never got thrown away. There was a little part of me that couldn't let go. I always thought it was those cliche, naive feeling that were getting the best of me, but it was my heart, just proving to be a little wiser this time around. My heart that's now a little stronger, was telling me to wait. To wait, because time heals all wounds.
I think a little part of me has always known, that one day, I would look back and be grateful for every experience, be it good or bad. Because it is by experience that we become who we really are. I am the person I am today because i have the opportunity to experience life, and learn to love both the bitter and the sweet for what they are.
So the answer? "Why do you still have this?"I know the answer now. The reason I still have that letter folded neatly laying in my bag is because, that letter is a piece of me, a little part of who i am. Its one of the puzzle pieces that will eventually complete the picture my life is painting. Like every masterpiece, there are contrasting colors. Both light and dark, bitter and sweet. and they're making this life i live, complete.

say anything

Decided it was about time to grace the cyber-world with my presence again. Seeing as I took a hike and ending up somewhere along the lines of some sort of rendezvousing (that wasn't celebratory in the least) that literally took every ounce my little soul has the capacity to give. But I’m here, if that counts for anything. To say the least, the last four months haven't been the ride I was anticipating in December. In-fact it's probably been completely negative to what I was expecting. Negative, as in showing light and dark in reverse from the original expectation. Not bad negative, just a different picture that what was in my mind. Not just different, better.

There have often been times when saying anything was as easy as breathing. But if we were to compare the flow of words as of lately to breathing, I’d barely be breathing at all. Its not that I don't have anything to say. Trust me, I have a loud mouth and wide opinions. But ranting doesn't feel any better than just keeping quite. Honestly if I could say anything I would. But the words never come out right. And I write. And rewrite. And write some more. But it’s never enough. The words are incomplete and therefore never spoken.

If I could say anything, anything at all, I would first say the things I was always to scare to say. I'm sorry. I love you. I need you. I'd finally speak my mind. I'd tell that person who knocked me down the hardest to be careful with love. Hearts are easily broken and difficult to repair. I'd tell the person I've always cared about, but never had the nerve to make any move, I love you.  I'd open some wounds. Mess around with things left unsettled and let the frustration that has built up inside me completely explode. I'd say things I wish I'd said. I'd say please and thank you everyday. And express my gratitude more abundantly. I wouldn't be afraid to say I love you. Imagine what the world would be like if we all spoke now.

What if we could all say anything?

Now, until I come up with something better here's this::

This morning ---

 I opened up my tired eyes. Sucked in some deep frustrated breaths. And threw my pillow at my most definitely audible alarm clock. The one I’ve strategically placed in a difficult to reach location, for the soul purpose of dragging my sorry little but out of bed at 5:30 A.M. yet again to turn it off. Throwing the pillow didn't work. Not only did said alarm clock keep making the most terrible sound in existence, I was also left pillow-less. However, incase you were wondering, I did wake up. Cheers to that.

I was on time to class. To everyone's surprise, especially mine. And get this, I wasn't even wearing the infamous "yoga-pants." let me tell you, that deserves an award right there. I sat and increased my likelihood for carpal-tunnel for seven hours.

Lunchtime I think I ate something. But mostly I just rambled. I'm great at that. I rambled to a friend last night until sometime after twelve. He just sat there on the curb with a small smile and politely listened to me talk to myself for well over an hour. Bless his soul. Maybe this is why I can't keep anyone around for more than a month or two at a time.

I came home. To a smoky house, Aubree had some sort of disaster in the kitchen. We worked it out. The kitchens fine. The cake however didn't make it..

This what it's all about my friends. It’s about loving. Loving everyone.

Wednesday's Favorites include::

Compliments -- To be told you are beautiful by someone absolutely breathtaking and one of the most stunning ladies you have ever seen. Said beautyqueen left me a compliment the other day that made my heart tickle. Someone as pretty as her thinks I'm pretty too? I feel like a million bucks!

Naps -- in 80 degree weather, outside, the first week of april. Oh, hello freckles. I forgot I had you. You tend to hide when the sun don't shine.

Surprises -- call me greedy but i love it when my best friend surprises me with beautiful flowers and my favorite treat on a lonely wednesday night. She knows my heart and how to make it feel better when it feels too heavy.

The Adventures of HuckleBerry Finn -- Who knew I'd love it as much as i do? I'm a sucker for Bang-up classic.

Strawberries- plain and simple, i love them.

Drops of Jupiter by train -- Its been my favorite song since the eighth grade. When a girl with an absolutely beautiful voice starting singing it; couldn't help but get goose bumps as I sang along with her. I pull out my uke and away i go with acting like summer and walking like rain.

This blog. --  Her kids are absolutely adorable and she is completely hilarious.

Quincy --  As each day comes and goes i find myself completely baffled at how unbelievably hilarious that eight year old girl really is. You'd think I'd be over the ridiculous things that come out of her little mouth by now, but I am consistently blown away. By her witty sense of humor that most people still lack once they've reached adulthood.

Yesterday Schools over and she comes through in usual fashion. Taking one step beyond the threshold of the door then three.. two.. one. backpack, coat, lunchbox hit the floor. And then it begins, the silly rambling rambling. The first significantly funny thing I hear her say is "guys I've decided I'm going to be like everyone else with all the hunger games mania. So, I'm going by "Ratniss" from now on. You know, like Katniss, Katniss,  ever... um eversomething."She's completely convinced she is, in fact a rat. thats what makes "Ratniss" so funny. Oh bless her little heart.

Teaching my mom the art of "facebooking" -- not a natural talent let me tell ya. Heaven help her, she still types with two fingers. Technologically disabled? Regardless; Still adore her. 

Instagram -- take a gander. ( nolle_ ) or here  

PIE -- love me some Cherry pie, Vanilla bean ice-cream and Root beer with The girl who knows my soul very best and appreciates my sick/weird humor like nobody on the entire earth ever will. 

timeless.

There are times when I forget I'm only sixteen years old. Sixteen and ten months to be exact, is still the young age of sixteen. At times I feel so little. Yet, I feel as though I ought to be at least twenty by now. I mean seriously, this life is hard and I've definitely grown at least 6 years since we moved here. But if we're going to be technical it has only been one year and nine months, not six years. I am still a junior in high school, not yet seventeen. How is it that i feel twelve years old one minute and, give or take nearly ten years older the next? Maybe that's what it means to be an old soul? forever young but in a more complex way, practically timeless.
I like to let myself believe that I am Timeless. That my words, voice, smile; essentially everything i am, is going to stick around longer than just one short lifetime. In all actuality, I don't know how to stand out. I've been a wallflower my entire life. I prefer it that way nine point eight times out of ten, but that doesn't mean i don't want to make an impact in some form or another. Still trying to figure out how that'll eventually happen. This life of mine, its a work in progress.

So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I am still trying to figure out how that could be.