things to say.

i don't sleep anymore. And I've come to the conclusion that it either has to do with the mess inside my head, or the fact that i have to sit still for the "prescribed" eight hours. which i can't so i stay up, 'till about 4 a.m. On any terms, its a bad thing. A very bad thing. Because it only causes me to create more havoc in my silly little brain. I guess while I'm still up, I have some things to say.

My grandpa passed away extremely unexpectedly last thursday. I was in the Kitchen when the phone rang. Before my mom even picked it up, i knew something was different; changed forever. I didn't expect it to hit me the way that it did. But I've been a mess for days. Maybe its because I'm already emotionally fragile right now or maybe its just the plain fact that this person was someone I loved and cared about that caused me to break down just the way I did. The funeral was today. It was beautiful and gave us all the time to say goodbye. Its amazing to me how comforting the gospel can be in times of sorrow and loss. I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and eternal families. I love my Hapa, and will miss him dearly.

Special thanks to grandpa, I got to miss my first day of school today. Which is actually something i couldn't be more thankful for. I'm not ready yet. Or maybe, I'm so beyond ready that i can't even stand the idea of having to go to high school another day. But regardless of what i want, i have to go back tomorrow. To begin my senior year. This time alone. My very best friends graduated and have all started moving on to their own wide open spaces. I couldn't be more excited for them right now. But i've also never felt so alone in this way before. I feel like a sophomore again. so tired of this. so so tired of it.

I'm a wallflower, have been my entire life. However, I've somehow convinced myself that I'm a generally friendly person when put in a social situation. I create the pointless small talk and proceed to continue my high school experience with a semi-fake smile placed nicely upon my face while on the inside, that's the last thing i'd like to be doing. My dear friends, This is not the case. when placed in that "social situation" I'm awkward. I don't create nice conversations when the topics are dry. Because when attempted, I realize a day later that I'd talked about harry potter for twenty minutes while everyone else stared at the ground, or the ceiling, or anywhere but my face. Because they're feeling awkward for me. (yes, this happened. last week. my date never called me back..) I'm a wallflower Because standing out is not what I'm good at. I'm not good at being outgoing, and social and bubbly when i need to. I'm not good at making friends, or keeping any around for that matter. In all honesty I'm still a flower, I'm just one of those one's that prefers to grow nicely on the wall away from all the big ones. Someday the wallflowers will get their turn right? i sure do hope so.

Cailie and i wrote a song for all the Creepy Pervs in Orem.
I don't want her to move. Every time i think about it i cry. because she's the one that knows my soul in and out and all the places in between. and i don't want to imagine life without her here with me.

aubree gets married a week from thursday. My contacts are so fuzzy with silly little tears i can't see the computer screen. I can't believe how much our lives are changing. I'm going to miss my life-long room mate.

I miss my best friends.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I'm terrified of being alone again.
My cat just barfed on the floor.
super.

one final thing.

Brittany,
You are alway so sweet. I promise I'm not the debbie downer my blog portrays me as. This is just the dumping ground for my hard days, but I promise I'm actually quite funny when I want to be. Lets hang out. Because I need some friends. More than you even know. Also, thanks for being one out of less than a handful of people who care at least an inch about what i have to say about just life in general. it means the world.