i am not your zombie

today i woke up late. i wore an old hoodie from back in the seventh grade. with worn out denim jeans and combat boots from savers. my mascara was left over from yesterday and my hair was a fizzled mess flying into my tired eyes. lets just say i wasn't exactly pulled together as the bell sounded for first period to start. not good. but i tried. you want to know what the funny thing was? the looks i received from the girls that are wrapped up in every tiny cliche the world presents to them, didn't have the same effect today. they didn't cut me like they used to, actually they didn't hurt at all. i know people mutter words that are meant to be cruel and hurtful but i don't care anymore. i just don't care. maybe i should, but i don't. and i don't want to care.

On one side of the spectrum--
They all surrender crying someone please tell me how to live my life. Tell me who i am and what i am expected to be. Tell me what i need to say and do and feel to be like everyone else. Tell me I'm wrong when i feel I'm right. convince me to say yes when my heart is screaming no. Let me be your zombie. Control me. pour me into your mold and make into what you want. I will be your victim.
And the other--
me? i haven't raised my white flag just yet. And the longer i wait the easier it get to keep holding on. i have my own head and heart and feelings. i say what i feel and do what i need to live my life in the way i choose to. i am my own person. i don't know about you, but I'm tired of pretending. of trying so hard to fit into the mold of what is acceptable to everyone else. when you pour my into that mold i don't fit. I'm a disaster. pouring out dripping all over. i am different. and i know that perfectly well.
life is worth it when you are happy with who you are becoming and learning to be. and guess what? i kind of like me.

poopy papaya.
 yours- nolle.