working on it.

i cannot go to bed angry. there is no way on earth i can fall asleep with my head racing heart pounding and eyes stinging. it isn't possible to soothe the roaring beast inside me until my thoughts have been released and left to linger. i cannot fizzle down or let it go when there is no place for that anger to go but in the air around me. it needs to be contained in a place outside my soul for me to feel at peace again. the reason for me sitting in the dark at the computer desk with my fingers flying like a mad woman at nearly one in the morning on a school night is not because i procrastinated my homework until eleven, because for once i actually got it all done at a decent hour. The reason I'm sitting here struggling to form my feelings into words is because I'm mad. silly right? yes. but i am nonetheless angry. at myself? the raging beast inside of me? perhaps. could this is be a mere internal conflict? or is there something else is causing this intense pressure. maybe several small things? not just one large cause of grumpiness? but my heart is surging and my brows are creased in a tight unhappy line above my tired confused eyes. and i can't sleep. trust me i tried.
i've been feeling a lot of emotions these last few weeks. and i apologize for only sharing the negative ones. the unhappy, confused, angry side of nolle. its a shame because this girl, she is happy. and she laughs and smiles and finds pleasure in the little things. sometimes its when we're weakest that we need the most help. and this, this writing thing is like therapy for the heart and head and human soul.
I'm working on it, working on being more optimistic and enthusiastic about waking up every morning and going to that place that i pretty much hate. I'm working on trying to be happy and daring and strong. Because those are all things i want to be. and I need to be. because until then i know i won't truly be happy. i don't want to merely slap a smile on my face for the benefit of everyone else. i want to smile for me. because I'm happy and I'm feeling content with life.
I'm working on it.
slow and steady.
yours nolle.