being okay.

It kind of sucks to have your feelings and heart completely pulverized. but i've come to realize its kind of a classic thing in my life. people tend to leave. and I am often the one left standing in the pouring rain wondering what on earth i did wrong this time.
and in all honesty i have no idea. i think thats what makes it hurt so bad. thats why i still hurt so bad.
on occasion i'll get my silly head so wrapped around this nonsense i'll have run to the bathroom practically in tears at school and look in the mirror and give myself one of those "get it together man!" pep talks before i can return to class.
just because I'm sick and tired of trying so hard. and still getting pushed down every single time.
I'm getting it together though. i want you to know.
Because I'm drinking peppermint tea. wearing sperry's asian buns and dresses. making lists. humming zee avi and breathing in and out. i'm being okay. i honestly love my life. and the people who stick around and make me smile. when all i want to do is cry or hide my face.

i think the best parts of life are often hidden in hard days. the times where you feel like you want to crawl in a dark cave and return only when summer comes. these times are the most rewarding. because you'll be laying in your bed in mid january at eleven thirty on a tuesday night thinking it'll be a struggle to make happy lists but before you even know it there are a million things. tiny insignificant often surpassed things. staring you in the face. and you realize these things these little things are huge. they're giving you reasons to smile and be happy and feel okay about how life is playing out.
today i loved waking up feeling sore. because that means that going to the gym yesterday did something and maybe after time goes by my body will be stronger and healthier. i'm excited to be healthy.
today i love being able to breath for the first time in days because the delicious peppermint tea i consumed somehow cleared my sinuses and helped my cold. the cold that tragically made its appearance ten days after the last one said goodbye. sweet. hello flu season.
today i love Burt's bee's chap-stick. and the way it helps those dry winter chapped lips like nothing else in the world.
today i love the people that have walked away. the people who left me wondering. the people that have pushed me down and proceeded to walk all over me. the people that have made me stop and think after hurting me. these are they that have made me grow and build myself. because of them i am stronger.
today i love my Sperry's, the most wonderful shoes ever created. they feel like tennis shoes but still give you that classy look you want and need.
today i love the asian bun. a beautiful thing every person with hair longer than shoulder length can't live without. bad hair day? ope lets just pile all that loveliness right on top of that little head of mine. anndd perfecto.
today i love the new semester and class changes. while sitting in computer tech i realized mrs. Merna hall's hair resembles a brown sea sponge. or an extremely matted luffa. take your pick. i kid you not. it's going to be a neat class..
today i love my best friend and sisters and mother. all the ladies that keep me on my feet.  I'm not one of those people thats about to loose a diamond while collecting rocks. and i'd rather have my silver dollar than 100 pennies. i've faced the fact that i may be the classic looser from high school but in all honesty i love my life. even when it hurts.
I'm okay. Lifes okay. and everything is going to be okay.
yours nolle.