say anything

Decided it was about time to grace the cyber-world with my presence again. Seeing as I took a hike and ending up somewhere along the lines of some sort of rendezvousing (that wasn't celebratory in the least) that literally took every ounce my little soul has the capacity to give. But I’m here, if that counts for anything. To say the least, the last four months haven't been the ride I was anticipating in December. In-fact it's probably been completely negative to what I was expecting. Negative, as in showing light and dark in reverse from the original expectation. Not bad negative, just a different picture that what was in my mind. Not just different, better.

There have often been times when saying anything was as easy as breathing. But if we were to compare the flow of words as of lately to breathing, I’d barely be breathing at all. Its not that I don't have anything to say. Trust me, I have a loud mouth and wide opinions. But ranting doesn't feel any better than just keeping quite. Honestly if I could say anything I would. But the words never come out right. And I write. And rewrite. And write some more. But it’s never enough. The words are incomplete and therefore never spoken.

If I could say anything, anything at all, I would first say the things I was always to scare to say. I'm sorry. I love you. I need you. I'd finally speak my mind. I'd tell that person who knocked me down the hardest to be careful with love. Hearts are easily broken and difficult to repair. I'd tell the person I've always cared about, but never had the nerve to make any move, I love you.  I'd open some wounds. Mess around with things left unsettled and let the frustration that has built up inside me completely explode. I'd say things I wish I'd said. I'd say please and thank you everyday. And express my gratitude more abundantly. I wouldn't be afraid to say I love you. Imagine what the world would be like if we all spoke now.

What if we could all say anything?

Now, until I come up with something better here's this::

This morning ---

 I opened up my tired eyes. Sucked in some deep frustrated breaths. And threw my pillow at my most definitely audible alarm clock. The one I’ve strategically placed in a difficult to reach location, for the soul purpose of dragging my sorry little but out of bed at 5:30 A.M. yet again to turn it off. Throwing the pillow didn't work. Not only did said alarm clock keep making the most terrible sound in existence, I was also left pillow-less. However, incase you were wondering, I did wake up. Cheers to that.

I was on time to class. To everyone's surprise, especially mine. And get this, I wasn't even wearing the infamous "yoga-pants." let me tell you, that deserves an award right there. I sat and increased my likelihood for carpal-tunnel for seven hours.

Lunchtime I think I ate something. But mostly I just rambled. I'm great at that. I rambled to a friend last night until sometime after twelve. He just sat there on the curb with a small smile and politely listened to me talk to myself for well over an hour. Bless his soul. Maybe this is why I can't keep anyone around for more than a month or two at a time.

I came home. To a smoky house, Aubree had some sort of disaster in the kitchen. We worked it out. The kitchens fine. The cake however didn't make it..

This what it's all about my friends. It’s about loving. Loving everyone.